You’re so full of sh-t!

I walk into the office, both nervous and curious at the same time. I thought to myself, this must be one of the most horrible jobs on the planet. Surely, there can’t be anything “fulfilling” about shoving a tube up someone’s ass while watching faeces flow out of their body.

I break out in a sweat as I summon the courage not to bolt from the lobby before it’s my turn. If I am a girl and have these intense feelings, then I can only imagine a man.

“I feel as if I have been violated!” he whimpers, as he hobbles over to me for a comforting hug. Admittedly, my hubby wasn’t as freaked out as I was since he had started his cleansing prior to this session. In fact, this was his last cleanse.

It’s now my turn. My heart is racing (damn me and my superficial desire to have a flat tummy for my wedding). I put on my poker face and walk into the room. I’m too nervous so I race to the restroom. I look for a window through which to escape, but we are one storey up and by my calculations I may break a bone or two. So I walk back to the room with as much enthusiasm as a man who is about to face the electric chair.

“Oh, hell no!” I yelled as she rubs the lubricant on the end of the tube that is about to enter me. I squirm as she gentle forces it inside. It is uncomfortable but not painful.

Warm water is gently pumped inside my colon in an attempt to soften the stool and remove my body’s waste. The tube is transparent and Brenda coaxed me to take a look at what is leaving my body. I'm thinking: Are you serious? Why the hell would I want to see the sh-t that’s leaving my body?  But I silently obey and look around.

“Relax,” she urges as she massages my tummy. Apparently, I am too tightly wound up and this causes my body to stubbornly hold on to its waste.

The thought that some stranger is watching me take a dump -- an act to be done in one’s most private moment -- does nothing to relax me. As I struggle to calm down, a shadow of myself is wringing its hands while staring at me in bold-eye terror.

I close my eyes and after a while I began to breathe evenly. The water being pumped into my belly gives the sensation of wanting to go to the loo, but as soon as the pressure is built up, she releases it and the water along with the waste leaves my body.

Despite being good about taking worm medicine, creatures that I did not know could exist in one’s body would soon start to exit. Holy sh-t! Literally.

The routine continues a few more times: water is pumped into my colon, the pressure builds up and released when I can’t take it anymore. It eventually gets to a point where I have an overwhelming need to go to the loo. She relents and sends me scurrying to the toilet. For fear of grossing you out, suffice is it to say, this is where everything will flow.

If you haven’t stopped reading, then this is the part where my story takes a turn for the better. Well, it was bad at first, since the verdict was that I needed to repeat the experience at least three more times for a full cleanse, after which it would be required once every four months or so.

I did say there was some good news, right? She was able to explain the connection between my untreated bowel and a number of health issues that I had been experiencing (not least among them were my severe headaches). While doing so, she made an interesting point: we pay so much attention to how we look on the outside, yet often neglect taking care of our own bodies. As the sewer of our bodies, our colon is often treated as a bastard child – we know it’s there, but we don’t want to acknowledge or tend to it.

But is this thing (colon cleansing) really necessary?

Medical professionals are on both sides of the fence when it comes to the benefits of colon cleanses and in particular colon hydrotherapy. There are those who claim that the body has its own way of detoxifying itself through the natural bodily functions of pee and poop.

On the other hand, according to Consumer Health, proponents of colon cleansing believe that toxins from your gastrointestinal tract can cause a variety of health problems. Supporters argue that colon cleansing improves your health by removing toxins, promoting healthy intestinal bacteria, boosting your energy and enhancing your immune system -- it's even recommended as a great way to lose weight.

If you should ask Brenda, she will readily tout all the benefits of a colon cleanse. She argues that many people, especially men, wait until it’s too late (i.e. when their stool is black which indicates the presence of blood, or when a doctor recommends it) to walk through her doors. And even then, some of them never return, "to their own detriment" she adds.

Sounds familiar? Men often refuse to do colon hydrotherapy for the same reason they refuse to test for prostate cancer -- the fear of doing a medical procedure that requires examination through their anus. No man wants to admit that he has had anything (let alone an object) shoved up his butt. (Yes, I know, when phrased like this, it’s even more frightening). Yet doing so, according to Brenda could mean the difference between life and death.

So as the ordeal came to an end, I sought to reassure myself, see, that wasn’t so bad.  We thanked Brenda and I promised to return for my follow-up appointment.

As we walk through the door, hubby jives me about something to which I inadvertently respond, “You’re so full of shit!”

“Actually, no, I’m not!” he replies and we both burst out laughing!

What are your thoughts on colon cleansing?

Well at least I did look fab for my wedding, flat belly and all!