Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

Why buy the cow when the milk is free? A friend of mine asked this age-old question at dinner a few months before our wedding. He, as you may surmise by now, was less than enthusiastic about the idea of marriage.

The withering stare from my mother (I swear her eyes would have shot lasers if it were possible) was enough to silence him if only for a short while.

With just a few days to go for our anniversary, I couldn't help but ask hubby, “Seriously why did you get married?"

We already live together. You have all the perks of being married without having to take the plunge. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

I swear it wasn’t a trick question.

I didn't put off the wedding so obviously he had the right answer. But this prompted me to conduct extensive research ( read: chatting with other male friends) in search of the answer to the age-old question, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free?

The man who already has the milk

This man already lives with his woman.  He may be thinking, we already share our lives. She cooks, cleans and takes really good care of me. Nonetheless, let me leave my options just a wee bit open because, and I quote,  "She miserable bad and she's really nagging!"

Right now, you are his live-in girlfriend. As soon as he finds the woman he truly wants to marry, he is going to drop you like hot bread!

The man with the long-time girlfriend

This fellow has been with his girlfriend for as long as he can remember, perhaps from school days. He feels obligated and loyal, but he can't quite shake the feeling that she may not quite be the woman for him. The romance and passion may be long gone from the relationship, but he feels obligated to stick around because, as we would say in Jamaica, "we a cum from far."

She has stuck with him through a lot and so he is grateful. Over time he has interacted with other women - more attractive women. Even though he loves her, she is not his "perfect" woman. And, so he waits. He is afraid to 'buy the cow'.

The gambler

This is the man who thinks that any moment now Beyonce, Halle Berry, or our very own Yendi is going pop by with a marriage proposal. (Full disclaimer: our marriage contract allows hubby to abandon me for either of the first two).

The gambler is always keeping his options open. He is afraid to commit because he thinks he may miss out on 'better cows'. Yes, we all know one of those men. He has gone through a million hot girls, each hotter than the one before. This man never usually settles down until he has done it all. Some years later when he finally takes the plunge, you can't help but ask to yourself, "Then a really she him marry?"

The practical man

This practical man is in a relationship with a woman who probably already has his child(ren). They have perhaps even bought a house together, share finances and are all but married. He is logically thinking about how to protect his family.

This man is not excited about marriage, but he is willing to 'buy the cow'. It is a necessary evil.  The proposal is never spectacular. It will not wow you off your feet. In fact, he rarely asks but often suggests rather matter-of-factly that you should get married. The proposal may feel no different from your routine conversations about bills or the children.

The pressured man

The pressured man usually has a long-time girlfriend and may have attended more than a few weddings as a couple. Everyone reminds him, “Is soon your turn!"  Even the pastor may take a swipe or two at him. Each time a friend gets married, the pressure increases.

He cringes when her mother is on the phone (or any family member for that matter). In fact, even his own family has started to ask "So, when are you gonna marry what’s her name?"  At some point, he realizes there is no escaping, so he reluctantly plunges in... buying the cow.

Engaged forever

This is the man who proposes to shut you up but never truly intends to get married because he has serious commitment issues. This typically happens when you have been together for a while and he is facing pressure from all angles (see above). So, he takes the critical step of proposing.

The proposal is a quick fix which buys him some time. If he is lucky at least another  6 months to 2 years before the euphoria wears off and hopefully, enough time for him to make up his mind about whether or not he wants to marry you.

The lucky guy 

The lucky guy is no fool! He knows he has hit the jackpot and only in an alternate universe would he have scored such a goddess.  His woman is sexy, beautiful, intelligent and best of all she is in love with him. He is constantly in awe of his woman, so, he is taking no chances. Before you know it, he is 'buying the cow'. Can you say winnings!

The romantic

The romantic has found his “perfect” match. She is driven, beautiful, sexy, smart, a woman with whom he can truly relate.  He starts to picture 5,10,15 years from now and he knows that together they can take on the world.

He has a great vibe with her and feels truly connected. You are the girl he takes home to meet his family. And, he is smart enough to know that this is the closest he'll ever come to Halle Berry or Beyoncé, so why the hell not.

He is ready to 'buy the milk' as he knows it can get no better than this.  This man wants to give this woman everything she ever desires: the dream proposal and fairy tale wedding. The reward is always the smile, the tears of joy and her complete expression of happiness.

So who buys the cow?

Men are indeed from Mars and women are from Venus. Unlike us, a man does not simply fall head over heels in love and decides to get married.  It's a conscious, sober decision influenced by a wide variety of factors.

So if he decides to “buy the cow” (Gosh! I hate that expression) hopefully it’s because you are his true complement, an alignment of everything he needs... well most things anyway because we all know that men are never really satisfied!