Six reasons we may not have children. Ever!

So my husband and I have gotten ourselves a full house! In June, we welcomed home our new furry bundles of joy – Cash and Power. I have been obsessed with the idea of getting a puppy for some time now, mostly because I have zero maternal instincts and hope that having a pup may help me to find some. Instead of getting one puppy, we ended up with two fur babies, a Shiranian (Shih-Pom) and a Mastiff.

Boy, did I ever guess that getting pups would be a game changer.

In short, I have learnt a few things about my husband. And if this is any indication of the type of father he'll be then read my lips, I won’t be having children. Ever!

1. My kids would be overfed, fat and borderline obese!

In the words of our vet to my husband, “The dogs are training you!” Our fur babies aren’t just fed the highest grade dog food, oh no, their meals  are prepared with side orders of cheese, peanut butter, sausages, various assort of treats and pretty much anything else they desire.

Cash has quickly grasped the art of manipulation and uses this to his advantage by simply refusing to eat until he is given his select side order! Guess who he has wrapped around his finger like a charm?

And the moment they don’t instantly gobble down his treats, he complains, “Oh, they must be sick; they are hardly eating.”

“No, they are two seconds away from slipping into a food coma from all that you’ve fed them!”

Unless my children are born with a natural love for healthy fruits and vegetables, the odds of them being healthy is nil. Let’s be honest, if the puppies can get him to feed them what they want, what of children?

2. My kids would be spoilt brats!

You would think that a law enforcement officer who deals with some of the roughest criminals in Jamaica would be a complete no-nonsense disciplinarian, right? *Steups*

Our puppies run circles around this man and he refuses to punish them. In fact, he goes great lengths to make excuses for their actions, and when that doesn’t work he is always begging forgiveness on their behalf. To make it worst, he never backs me up when I scold them and openly calls me the wicked witch! Just imagine our real children repeating that!

3. I would be cleaning all the crap

Fur babies poop and pee A LOT.  I have never had to handle so much sh&t in my life! I’ve gone through more gloves than a nurse taking care of an Ebola patient! For some reason while hubby is always around for the fun and frolic, he somehow miraculously always knows when to disappear! It’s like he has an inbuilt warning system or radar that helps him to stay away from poop and pee and arrive just in time to play.

Potty training Cash and Power

If this, my dears, is any indication of how parental duties will be shared, then I’ll be the one left with the shitty end of the stick! Literally. Uh, hell no!

4. I would live in a sty!

Fur babies make messes, I don’t mean poop and pee like above; they will tear your house up.  Many days I’ve come home to this:

What's left of my pumps

Yours truly thinks it’s funny, but after what can sometimes be a 12-hour work day, I am mostly tempted to swipe his firearm and put the little creatures out of their misery!  Or take me out of my misery, whichever is quicker! I kid you not, I have cried real tears of frustration from just having to clean up after them.

If children can cause anymore wreckage than puppies to our home then I am NOT having them! If my future baby daddy (aka my husband) continues to think that the destruction of our home and my prized pumps is a joke, then I'm sure to commit murder!

5. They steal all the attention

If you know my husband, you know he is inseparable from his gadgets. Power just has to walk over to him put her head on his lap and she is suddenly the centre of attention! I walk around the house naked (well to be fair, I’m almost always naked) and I get a glance and a “So, when you say you going back to the gym again?”

*Insert my middle finger*

If pups can get this much of his attention, what of babies? Fine! I’ll admit it, I am jealous of our fur babies. Don’t judge!

Garfield and his babies

And might I add that they are not only c*ck blockers but have robbed us of every ounce of spontaneity. No longer can we just take off for the weekend or go out all night without yours truly constantly nagging, “Pops (short for Popcorn my University Hall name), you think Cash and Power all right?”  or “Hurry up! We have to head back early enuh!”

Dear God!

6. They are expensive!

Puppies are expensive! One trip to the vet runs us an average of $7,000.00 (I have the receipts to prove it). On top of that, hubby spends a small fortune on them. He spoils them with all sorts of toys (let’s not return to the subject of treats). I now try to avoid any supermarket aisle dedicated to dogs. He buys everything, even when he’s not too sure what it’s for! We now have an assortment of doggy toothpaste, brushes, toys, shampoo conditioners, doggy pans, clippers, things I don’t recognise, even though we hardly groom them ourselves.

I know real babies cost a lot more and right now that’s not looking so good for my shoes budget.

So, there you have it! I know mommy doesn’t think my fur babies can replace real babies, but for now they’ll just have to do! Oh, and what have I leant about my maternal instincts? Let’s just say I have a far, far, far way to go.