My first Zoom Lap Dance Class and Staying Sexy in Quarantine

About three Sundays ago I did my first Zoom Lap Dance Class hosted by certified life and relationship coach Caleen Diedrick. I have been meaning to attend these classes in person, but never worked up the courage to do so. Aside from being acutely aware that I have no coordination, I am terribly self-conscious. But, being able to participate in the privacy of my home, made the Zoom lap dance class an extremely attractive option for me.

"The dress code is animal print leotards and leggings," said Caleen as she made it clear that I had to look the part.

I had a stereotype of what women who attended a lap dance class must all look like. Turns out I was wrong.  Refreshingly, they were at all shapes and sizes and were at varying levels including total beginners like me. This was comforting.

Caleen’s energy and vibe are infectious. She belts out instructions and demonstrates the moves. I awkwardly gyrate trying to mimic all her sexy moves for an armless couch dance routine.

Did I mention I have zero coordination? To be fair, I don't exactly spend my days following instructions on how to sensually touch my body and spread my legs. I was completely out of my comfort zone.

Of course, once Garfield got wind of what I was doing, there was no privacy.  He kept bursting into the room at odd moments with his phone clearly snapping a photo or recording.  He didn’t say it, but more often than not his facial expressions read, A wah she a do?

You do not want to see the awkwardness he captured on video.

Caleen looks perfectly sensual. I look like a constipated cat.

Caleen teaching her sexy moves

My takeaways from my Zoom first lap dance class are:

• Being effortlessly sexy during a lap dance is a lot harder than it looks
• twerking is a specialized skill
• I cannot make it clap; and
• I wouldn’t make a dime as a stripper/dancer.

Accepting that I may never succeed in giving hubby a steamy lap dance, I decided to ask Caleen for some tips on how to spice things up. I'm sure you'll agree that we all need some help especially as we inevitably spend more time together during this Coronavirus crisis.

Get ready to take notes because here are some steamy suggestions!

Appreciation Strip Tease

I may not be able to dance, but I can strip! Being stuck in the same space with your partner can easily bring to fore all the things you find extremely annoying and unbearable. It’s easy to get lost in the negative, but now is a great time to show some appreciation. For your next date night or alone time, make a list of and take turns sharing with your partner some of the things you appreciate about them. Where’s the spice in that? Every time you share something you appreciate, take off an item of clothing. The aim is that all the talk of things you appreciate and enjoy about each other should get you hot and bothered and by the time you are done, you’ll be naked and ready to go!

Sexting

If you are like me, you are cringing at all the things that could go wrong with sexting. But don’t stop reading just yet. Caleen recommends sending sexy pics of nipples, navel, nape of the neck and thighs (not the goodies). The photos should be subtly seductive but send along with steamy texts to heat things up.  This is a great way to flirt with your spouse and get them in the mood for the evening.  Of course, you want to ensure that you are NOT sharing phones with your children! One quick tip to overcome your paranoia:  take your pics so no one would be able to identify that it's you should they ever mysteriously go public.

Initiate – Make the first move

So, ladies, the plan is that we will get ourselves ready for action, so he can quite possibly skip the foreplay. Whatever gets you in the mood do that. After getting yourself partially ready, you then need to take some action to show that you are ready and good to go. This can be as tame as lightly rubbing your hands across his crotch, whispering in his ears or as brazen as showing him the goodies and telling him to come get it.

Peep Show

This is my favourite tip because it especially great for couples with toddlers *raises hand*. Caleen’s sexy recommendation is that you flash your partner throughout the day as you go about your everyday chores. Put on some booty shorts and as you put toys down for the kids, sexily bend over and touch your toes without bending your knees (Jamaicans will understand, do a proper 6:30). Flash a boob and if you are wearing a dress remove the undies and sexily show the goodies at the most unsuspecting times. If you take a shower, 'carelessly' drop your towel. Make sure he is watching but act totally oblivious. He’s probably going to jump you before the day is out.

Role Play 

If you have toddlers, the only real way to successfully execute this is to tire them out. So, take them outside and play – run around the house, do whatever it takes to make sure they are spent (done/tired) when they finally go to sleep. Then its time for action. Here are some ideas: cops and robbers, French maid, stealing a piece from the neighbour, stranger at the bar…  the possibilities are endless, so get creative! As Caleen says, "The aim is to get you both as excited as when you first got together."

If role-playing is not your thing, then try to recreate a few of those memorable moments when the relationship was new. Remember that one time he came to pick you up for a party, but you never actually made it to the party? Or when you first did it in the car?  It’s the newness and spontaneity that will keep the juices flowing.

FOR MEN

Yes ladies, I know, we have just put all the burden on you to keep it sexy. So, men, let me keep this simple. Your job is easy. You cannot expect us to be full-fledged housewives caring for your children, homeschooling, working from home yet ready to go on demand. No Sir!!! So, here is how you make all the above happen.

You help!!

Yes, you help around the house. Help to tidy up. Help with the homeschooling. Cook a meal. Order a meal if you can’t cook. Wash up the dishes. Get the kids ready for bed. Rub mommy’s feet. Offer a massage and a glass of wine when you notice she has had a rough day. Do anything and everything you can to make her life easier so that she can genuinely appreciate you. A tired and frustrated woman DOES NOT want to have sex. At least, I know I don’t.

After you have helped, then do please make yourself attractive. I know they say women are emotional creatures while men are visual. I am here to tell you that we appreciate an attractive man. If you want some, go take a bath or as we Jamaicans say, bathe off yourself and look nice too. Put on good underwear and make yourself attractive. Cut the fingernails, spray on a little cologne and brush your teeth.  Make us want to snuggle up to you. Keeping it sexy is not just about us women!

Let’s talk! Would you be up to try a Zoom lap dance class? Drop some tips below on how you are keeping it sexy as we stay at home.