Men fake orgasms too!

Men fake orgasms too.

Say what?!

Yep, you heard me. The secret is out. We aren’t the only ones that are faking it.  So this article is apparently causing waves because men have confessed to faking orgasms. Funnily enough, long before this article came out, I had a Facebook post enquiring about excuses to get out of sex and a male friend brought up the subject. At the time I thought it was hilarious and he was just being his usual facetious self. But then other men starting chiming in and I soon realised that this was no joke: men do fake orgasms!

WTF?

As soon as hubby walked in later that day, I pounced on him.

“Have you ever faked an orgasm?”

Without giving it a second thought, he answered, “Yes”, his brows knitted as if to ask, why are you bothering me about this woman?

“Whoa!  Wait!” The obvious next question was, “Have you ever faked an orgasm with me?”

Would he dare say yes?

Without skipping a beat, he responded, “No. But you should know that.”

His facial expression now read: why this woman so idle dear God?

OK, fine I guess I knew that.

Let me clarify: I know that he hasn’t faked an orgasm not because I’m amazing in bed (which I am, by the way — psyche), but if you are in a long-term relationship or marriage then you know that you have no time for faking. Nobody needs to pretend anymore. We all know that there will be days of earth-shattering, ground-breaking sex and other days when the sex is just blah.  It’s a part of marriage. Accept it. You either had an orgasm or you didn’t. Now who is hungry?

Faking is for new couples, eager to impress.

But, wait.

“How does a man fake an orgasm? What do you do?” I asked totally confused. I do not understand how this is even physically possible.

“Easy, you’re having sex, you’re not feeling anything or for whatever reason you get bored, you have on a condom, so you just give her a few jabs like you coming, pull out and hold on to the condom. Is not like she gonna check it?”

And with that he headed to the bedroom to change out of his work gear. I followed him.

“OH. MY. GOD. Men do that?!”

It dawned on me that it wasn’t that hard to do actually. In fact, his explanation made perfect sense.

At this point, I had only one thought: has anyone ever faked an orgasm with me?

I reasoned with myself: of course not silly! I resisted the urge to pick up the phone and start drilling my exes.

(Side note: Honey, if you’re reading this, then this is purely hypothetical, of course I don’t have exes, you my love, are my first, my only and my last. *straight face*)

Awkward.

Yeah... a phone call definitely isn’t a good idea. I tried to banish the thought. But it hung around like a pesky mosquito. Would I be able to deal with it if anyone admitted to faking an orgasm with me? Think about it. There is really little or no shame in a man who may have slept with a girl (or several girls) who faked orgasms. Hell, we women can fake an orgasm at the drop of a hat. It’s coded in our DNA. And even if we don’t climax during sex, very few men will get their boxers in a bunch over this. Sure they may suffer a bruised ego for a minute or two, but that’s why they have coined all sorts of silly jokes to cheer up themselves. Ever heard the saying, “Who cum first win”?

But for us women, the very thought that a man could have faked an orgasm is sheer horror!  The very thought that a man with whom we have slept may have faked his orgasm isn’t simply a bruise to our ego, it down right demolishes, decimates and destroys us. For no matter how much of an intellectually-evolved-equal-rights-liberated feminist you are, we all get a kick out of knowing that our sexual prowess keeps our man coming back.

And if you say otherwise, you aren’t a woman.

Yes, my sisters, I know the questions that are swirling in your head right now: if a man has been faking it with me, does that mean I’m horrible in bed? Do I suck (pun fully intended) that badly? How bad am I that he has to fake it?

My first bit of advice to you is this: put the phone down (Don't start calling your exes).

The second is, and I have given this considerable thought and contemplation: ignorance is bliss. I don’t ever want to know if anyone I’ve been with has ever faked it and neither should you.

Women have been faking it all these years to spare the egos of men, but it seems the joke is on us. Have they been faking it too?