I’ve turned into the woman I swore I’d never become…

Growing up I didn't want to get married. I was on the fence about having children, but I was absolutely sure that if I did go down that road, I'd only have one. As for pets, as much as I love dogs, who was going to feed them? After all, my plan was to become a successful lawyer or world renown journalist who had no time for the trappings of a traditional domestic family.

Well, isn't that a joke!

Today, I'm married. We have two dogs and I have a baby! And to my sheer horror, since this beautiful baby girl has arrived in the world, my husband (who also wasn't big on children) has suddenly caught baby fever and now wants to do this again and again. Read my lips: Not. Happening.

What became of my dreams? I did manage to become a lawyer. Whether I'll be dubbed a success is too early to determine, but from all indications, I do a pretty decent job. As for being a world-renowned journalist? Well, let's just say this blog is a far cry from the hard-hitting topics I imagined I would cover.

So, how did I end up here? When did I become somebody's wife? And how on earth did I end up with being responsible for a whole other human?

On being a wife

Recently, I was invited to be a speaker at a relationship conference. I was hesitant to participate, not least because all the other speakers were very religious. It therefore goes without saying that their unions are strongly grounded in their belief in God and Christianity. I am not an atheist, but as I told the audience, I am definitely not religious.  Truth be told, religion was THE primary reason I was sure I wanted nothing to do with marriage.

You see, I hated who religion told me a wife should be. Christianity taught me that a husband was the head of his household and that a wife should always be submissive to her husband. Most importantly, the wife who placed her husband and children above all her needs and aspirations was celebrated as the model wife. I was constantly bombarded with stories and practical examples of women who gave up their dreams and sacrificed their careers to build a family.

I did not want to be that woman.

So you would understand then my cynicism whenever a talk (you call it a sermon) got to the part where a wife was admonished to submit to her husband in matters of decision-making. But what if I am better at making decisions? What if his decision makes no sense?  How does he get to be the primary decision maker because of having a penis? Really?

I wanted none of it.

My epic eye rolls to each of those talks would often be greeted by a slap upside my head from my mother who though herself an independent, strong unmarried woman was (still is) the greatest proponent of marriage.

"Ouch, mommy!"
"Fix your face. Why you so disobedient? Listen to Jehovah's word!"
Another Eye roll
“Ouch!”

Now that I am married, I've come to learn that it's not marriage that I have a problem with. It's what my young self interpreted marriage to mean. My understanding of marriage didn't allow me to envision that I could potentially pursue all my goals and dreams and still have a great family. In my young mind, I'd have to sacrifice one to obtain the other.

And that's how I proceeded to live my life. Not particularly interested in any long-term relationship. I certainly made it clear to anyone I dated that they were an appendage with which I could easily dispense.

Then I met my husband.

More accurately, I got to know my husband (since we met some years ago at UWI and contrary to what he will tell you, I. Did. Not. Like. Him.)

I got to know a man who wasn't interested in having a 'yes' wife. He expected to be challenged. And the good Lord knows I can be a 'challenge'.  I also got to know a man who was (still is) the very definition of support - dream it and he's ready to make it happen.

He made me give marriage a second and third look until I was sold.

And so my reality today is a far cry from the woman I thought I'd be. I am not the carefree reporter roaming the world for news breaking headlines. Not unless you consider walking around the house and picking up after my husband 'roaming' and his ability, after almost 10 years, to still shock me with his messiness, "news breaking".

This independent girl who scoffed at housework is now in full 'wife' mode cooking meals (admittedly occasionally), ironing a pants or two (when Jean abandons me). By the way, have you ever tried ironing a khaki police uniform, not to mention having to put on the 101 buttons? It takes forever! But I digress.

Point is, this once fiercely independent girl can often be found doing all the chores that would make your mother smile approvingly and say, "Yes, now that is what you call wife material." (Well, my mother anyway.)

As for decision making? The same girl who rolled her eyes at the admonition to be submissive now often defers to her husband. But sometimes I catch myself.

"Hey, when did you become such a wuss? My girl, you are not going to agree with that, are you?" asks my very distressed dormant independent self.

"Meh! Let it go," is the response from the wife in me.

To be fair, my husband is a solid decision maker which makes deffering to him... palatable.

I can't believe I'm quoting the bible, but it is on to something when it speaks of being equally (or is it unequally?) yoked. It's not just about being of the same faith or denomination which is how churches often frame it. It's more about being with a partner who is able to intellectually challenge you, whose opinion you value and who truly is a match for you.

As it turns out, my approach to leadership in marriage isn't much different from my approach at work. If I think my boss is brilliant and respectful, I have no problems allowing them to lead.

On being a mother

As for being a mother? I'm almost eight months in the game. Jordan has turned my world upside down, but this is the most beautiful chaos there is. Can I tell you that every mushy cliché about motherhood is true?! I can hardly recognise the girl who was convinced she was only meant to be an auntie.

So here I am today, still cynical as hell about any relationship which appears to be "too perfect" yet I am often hailed as the hashtag for #relationshipgoals. Like when did I become this hashtag and of all the hashtags? The same girl who thought that if people did get married, there should be an automatic expiration of the marriage every five years? When did I become one half of a couple which is a proud example of marriage? When did I become the girl who is relieved to not have to make all the decisions? Even more frightening, when did I become the wife who has mulled over the idea of having a second child?

How did my plans go so beautifully awry? Me? The girl who believed husbands were a burden and children were parasites. It's almost like God (or this universe) is teaching me a lesson. A beautiful lesson. I am grateful.