Yes, I do know my father. I used to spend all my summers, well most of my summers visiting him. I would hang out with my two brothers (I have three, all by my father's side), but two that lived with my father. Those were fun summers. Back in those days whenever my mom would scold me, my first retort would be "I want to go live with my daddy!" (You know how ungrateful kids can be). She would either ignore me or when I really wore her out she would just say, "Go on no!"
Growing up, I didn't miss having a father at home. There are so many single parent homes nowadays that children who actually had fathers at home were in the minority. Truth is, I never realized how much I missed growing up without a father until I became an adult. I began to interact with persons who had very close relationships with their fathers: the kind of fathers who spoilt their "little girls" who would give them anything, and protect them from everything.
I envied them; it was my greatest desire to have a similar relationship with my father. I wanted to feel comfortable enough to pick up the phone and cry to my dad, share a joke with my dad, or just plain and simple talk to my dad. I was so detached from my dad that my fiancé did not meet him in person until days before our wedding.
As an adult, I now reflect on how challenging it must have been for my mom to grow up a child all on her own. She was always so strong and positive. We weren't rich but I certainly didn't want for anything. How on earth did she do it? I think about how stressful and depressing it must be to have no one with whom to share your dreams, your fears, or your challenges. To me it’s an insurmountable task. Yet, she did it, and she never once expressed regret.
I worship my mom (that's an understatement), and I take my hats off to all single parents.
On the other side of the coin, I reflect on the impact that not having a father has had on me and my relationships with men. I have always approached relationships very nonchalantly: with no expectations. My father was not around, so I never expected a male to stick around either. If they did, I usually didn't know what to do with them. After all, how do I learn to treat a man, like a man, when I never grew up with one?
Thankfully, my hubby was never fazed by my nonchalance. No matter what, he was always committed to making our relationship work. He stuck around, and never gave up on our relationship even when he had good reason to.
I have always been fiercely independent. That's all I know how to be. I grew up with a mom who depended on no one. My husband has somewhat changed that part of me but I assure you it wasn't an easy task. It took a while before I learnt to consult with him before making major decisions, or to rely on him for support. I always thought I could do it all; it continues to be a process, but I have come a far way.
I still harbour the fear of becoming so dependent that I forget how to function. What if I wake up one day and my support is pulled from under me?
I can be selfish, well, this is a combination of two things: I grew up alone. Aside from my mom I had no one around with whom to share. There wasn't a man in our home for me to see how to be mindful of him, or how to be kind to him. It has been teething pains as I try to get into the mindset of always thinking of two -- it’s no longer just me.
I struggled with low self-confidence for a great portion of my life. I know this comes as a surprise to most, but I harbour thoughts of self-doubt. My mom was my greatest cheerleader, but I don’t think anything replaces the boost of confidence that a father can give to his daughter. Think about it, nothing can beat the feeling a little girl experiences when the most important man in her life affirms that she is beautiful, and encourages her to be confident.
Here's where I think my hubby has been most influential. I have never had a better cheerleader. Next to my mom, I have never met anyone who has shown so much confidence in my ability to succeed. Everything that I have accomplished in our relationship since we have met I owe to him. He believes in me even when I don't.
At my wedding my mom secretly requested a father/daughter dance. As the DJ played Luther Vandross’ “Dance with My Father Again,” I listened to the words of the song, and I started crying. I cried because I couldn’t relate to the words. This was the first time in my life I had ever danced with my father. Like so many other girls, I had missed out on being a “daddy’s little girl”.
So having brought all this baggage to my relationship it is a wonder my hubby still decided to marry me! I guess love defies all logic, but I am happy he did because now I am learning how to be more open, less selfish, more considerate and always committed. After all, our vows did say for better for worst, in sickness and in health, till death do us part!
I love you honey, and I love that you love me with all my imperfections.
This is a really touching article, I hadn’t planned to read the whole thing as I just found your blog by chance, but you write really well, it just kept my interest to the end.
Oh my God! This made me cry! Lecia, you and Garfield are just awesome! I am speechless! Wow! Keep close to each other and you will always be the best at whatever you do! 🙂
Wow this really hits home (as I wipe away a tear). I can totally relate to this coming from a single parent home. My dad, however, passed away before I was born.
Relationships were a major & constant struggle. Trying to let go of being so independent. Learning how to share ideas, concerns or just even not even letting go of grudges over small misunderstandings. God bless this man who realizes how obstinate I am but still hangs in there with me.
Great job Lecia-Gaye!
This has left me *bawling*, not teary-eyed but *bawling*. All I’m seeing is myself/ my experiences through your writing. I’m soooooooo soooo bitter even now its not even funny. I am amazed by the responses as I could not have guessed so many persons have had this monster (growing without a father) to live with. I’m not even sure I am at a place where I can really talk about him and not get angry (sad situation). I know now though, that I need to let go of all this *baggage*. I’m a work in progress. I’ve been fooling myself for years, thinking “I’m good with him being as distant from myself and my sister as the north is from the south” but….I guess that’s not so. Keep up the good work my friend, your article has done a whole lot for me tonight. *whispering*(between me and u Lecia the only problem is: it let me shed some serious tears and mi nuh really do dem tings anymore) lol.. Keep ‘em coming.
This has left me *bawling*, not teary-eyed but *bawling*. All I’m seeing is myself through your writing. I’m soooooooo soooo bitter even now its not even funny. I am amazed by the responses as I could not have guessed so many persons have had this monster (growing without a father) to live with. I’m not even at a place where i can really talk about him and not get angry I know now though that i need to let go of all this *baggage* keep up the good work my friend, your article has done a lot for me tonight
This is so open and touching that I am amazed. I had my Dad around, in fact he was my mother and father who did everything for me. My mother abandon me when I was 5 yrs old and my Dad struggled with me. He told me about “perial” periods, boys, proper hygiene and life in general. He combed my hair, squeezed my bumps, scratched my dandruffs and rocked me in his lap. We were dirt poor but there was love. What I cried about was my mother, every girl needs a Mom and I had none. I thought something was wrong with me because my mother chose to leave me and it took me forever to get over my feelings of worthlessness, insecurities and low self esteem. I relate with what you are saying as I am sure others do and I love the fact that you are honest to show other little girls and boys too that we are in charge of our future no matter what our past was. Be determined to be successful, confident and purposeful and with good support and hard work it WILL become a reality.
Thank you for sharing this private part of your life with us. As a Social Worker I use my experiences to guide me and help me to understand my clients situations.
This was so beautiful and i can so relate ..thank God for my dear Mother (I love her so). You seem like a beautiful lady and despite not having your father playing his fatherly role, my dear you did well (like many other Jamaican girls who had missing dads). And i smile knowing that if and when you extend your family with your Hubby your child or children will have their dad and a lovely mother. Blessed love.
Hi Lecia, I don’t know you but know your hubby from his carnival ritual! I admire the love you and Bucka have for each other! That’s real love! Your blogs are hilarious! I will meet you soon! Will be in JA for carnival cuz I’ve a Tabanca! Lol! Very nice blog! I’ve had a relationship with my dad but I feel your pain, this is your opportunity to break the cycle and I’m positive Bucka will be a great dad to your children! Brought tears to me!
Thanks Jackie! Looking forward to meet you as well!
I read this with tears in my eyes I can soo relate my dad left my mom with three kids and migrate to America forget about his family and start a whole new life I dnt know how my mom do it but she too did it all by herself..I resent my father and for the longest while didn’t have a relationship with him in 2008 I went to visit him in Miami was ten yrs I didn’t see me he didn’t even knew what I looked like I remember having my first dance with him in that trip I spend four days by him and that’s the most I remember as a matter of fact the most I’ve done with him..the older I grow the more hungry I get for a relationship with him and ofcourse I do envy the daddys lil girl women..I’m his only girl of eight kids I thought he would of spoiled me but I honor my mom who as and still is my mother and father. .great article love gwan do u ting
This is a lovely blog that i can relate to wholeheartedly…(well am not married yet, but the rest of it is on point). You are quite a gifted writer Lecia. Great work
Beautiful blog!A very emotional piece,I enjoyed reading it.Good job!
this is such a great post and it’s great to hear someone I can relate to. Everything you said is completely true. My friends who had both parents in the same household were the minority and most of my friends grew up in single-parent households, but still, I didn’t feel like people could relate to my specific situation. My parents divorced when I was 5. My dad did drugs and abused my mother. My dad popped into my life as he pleased and I think by him doing that it scarred me even more. It’s something that even at the age of 24 I still struggle with once in awhile. You can read more about it here (http://chitownandallaround.blogspot.com/2012/08/without-dad.html), but thank you for sharing your story. Even though the situation isn’t ideal, it’s still nice to find someone who finally gets how I feel too 🙂
this is real sweet Lecia….so many young girls can relate to this….God has blessed you with a wonderful husband…your daughter if you have one will have a great role model
I feel your pain. I am 20 years old in university and even though I am young, i have still so many men that treat me perfectly and I find myself scared to become dependent. Its like i get disgusted when they give me compliments, as if I dont deserve them. I hate that I only continue to find myself interested in a guy when he is not showing interest in me. I dont know how to go on with my future relationships. Can you help me please. I would love to know how your hubby managed to help you calm down.I need some self realizations right now.
Hey Sammi it comes with time and realization of the things that cause us to act in the way we do! I will email you privately but thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for writing about your experience and sharing it with the world. I too am a “fatherless” daughter. I just recently realized how much that has affected me in my own life. Many women suffer from the consequences never making the connection and leaving them prisoner to the pain it caused them. I now am on a journey of empowering fatherless women to build balanced and healthy relationships with themselves and with their partners. I truly believe that every woman deserves to feel love, to feel feminine, to feel beautiful, to live creatively, to be with someone who will allow her the freedom to blossom, to be celebrated and maybe the most important to inspire her sons to greatness and not allow the history to repeat itself.
Thank you so much for writing about your experience and sharing it with the world. I too am a “fatherless” daughter. I just recently realized how much that has affected me in my own life. Many women suffer from the consequences never making the connection and leaving them prisoner to the pain it caused them. I now am on a journey of empowering fatherless women to build balanced and healthy relationships with themselves and with their partners. I truly believe that every woman deserves to feel love, to feel feminine, to feel beautiful, to live creatively, to be with someone who will allow her the freedom to blossom, to be celebrated and maybe the most important to inspire her sons to greatness and not allow the history to repeat itself.
Hi Lisia you probably don’t remember me but you though me at Oberlin High in sixth form and i am so proud of your accomplishment kudos. Back to the point this blog teared me in pieces because i can somewhat relate to not growing up with a father figure in the household which sometimes will affect your relationship with a man as an adult . Keep up the good work
I do!!!!! How are you?! Thank you honey! This blog post has been extremely emotional for so many of us women who can relate!
i can most effeminately relate to this blog, i must say i don’t know what it feels like to be married but i do know what it feels like not to have a father in my life, i grew up with my stepfather but it still doesn’t feel the same as having your father around to guide you. I am going through a phase right now where its difficult to let down my guard and trust not only men but people in general its nice to know that there is someone else out there whom you can relate to with certain situation…………… I love your blogs.
Thank you so much Ashley, as I tell everyone else it’s a work in progress for all of us!
will be looking out for you monday on TVJ
gurl you hitting up some notes. some emotions being stirred in me right now. i never met my dad until I was 25. haven’t seen him since (am now thirty). he has another daughter older than me. she doesnt know him either. god giave him only the two of us and a bet him nah come a none a we wedding. at least you walked down the isle with yours. now a single mom of two i really cant tell you how emotionally overwhelmed i am right now. funny i never grew up with my mom either. so i not used to no love and musshy mushy. i am used to fending for myself and i find it very difficult to love and trust any one 9maybe thats why i am still single and alone. an extreme introvert.
Hon! It’s always a work in progress but when a good man comes along you have to force yourself to be open to learn and to change, trust and rely on him! But it’s hard I know!
“On the other side of the coin, I reflect on the impact that not having a father has had on me and my relationships with men. I have always approached relationships very nonchalantly and with no expectations. My father was not around so I never expected a male to stick around either. If they did, I usually didn’t know what to do with them. After all, how do I learn to treat a man like a man when I never grew up with one?”
Lecia, I hope that you are well and that your marriage has been progressing well. I came across your blog on 8/22/12 when a facebook mutual friend posted the link to this article and I read all of your articles and the comments that day but I was hesitant about commenting. However, your openness about the impact that being raised without your father’s consistent presence and support has had on your intimate relationships is very refreshing. I have often shared similar sentiments but for some reason I believe that our honesty is sometimes perceived as “blaming Daddy for our shortcomings” because fathers are wrongfully perceived as only being important to their sons’ upbringing. I am happy that at least you understand one of the major sources that have shaped your perception of men and relationships and that you have been healing. I really admire your zeal and honesty, to say the least, as well as your admiration and support for single mothers.
I believe that the following from “Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story” is quite fitting for our wonderful mothers: “Our growing up without a father put a heavy burden on my mother. She didn’t complain — at least not to us — and she didn’t feel sorry for herself. She tried to carry the whole load, and somehow I understood what she was doing. No matter how many hours she had to be away from us at work, I knew she was doing it for us. That dedication and sacrifice made a profound impression on my life. Abraham Lincoln once said, “All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my mother.” I’m not sure I want to say it quite like that, but my mother, Sonya Carson, was the earliest, strongest, and most impacting force in my life. It would be impossible to tell about my accomplishments without starting with my mother’s influence. For me to tell my story means beginning with hers.”
Like others who have commented, I could speak / write endlessly about our dilemma. However, in the interest of brevity, I will share the following poem, which I have never shared publicly, that I wrote to my father and finally managed to give him more than two years after writing it:
If Only You Knew
P. A. Gordon
11/10/07
If only you knew…how much I long for a better relationship with you
To move beyond the differences that our clashing egos have induced
If only you knew…how I wish I had been more understood and more accepted by you
To have been told how much I am loved by you
Or to simply have been told at least once, “Pat, I am proud of you”
If only you knew…how I wish you had been there
Or to have at least felt that you cared
If only you knew…how I wish I had spent more time with you
Fine-tuning our versions of the things that fathers and daughters often do
If only you knew…how I long for conversations that begin with “Remember when…”
The recollections of which would all have had joyous ends
If only you knew…how much I wish to forget
All the disappointments that have made me upset
If only you knew…how I wish I could erase all the years of regret
And fill the void that has kept me so disconsolate
If only you knew…how I wish that instead of being titled “If Only You Knew”
This was titled something like “Daddy, I Love You”
And told about all the blissful memories that I have created with you.
My father has since been making certain efforts that were absence in my earlier years. However, we still have a long way to go. Best wishes for continued healing to you and our “sisters through similar experiences” and best wishes for a happy, healthy, successful / prosperous journey in all that you do.
Sincerely,
P. A. Gordon
Thanks for sharing your poem. I was teary-eyed and it certainly expresses exactly how I feel. It’s a lot of healing that many of us ladies have to do. I had no idea that so many persons felt this way until after doing this post. We all help each other to heal!
You are welcome Lecia. Don’t be afraid / ashamed to cry because it helps a lot. Silence about our struggles will not help us or anyone else so I commend you for facilitating this forum for us to help each other heal. (Cyber hug and napkin for making you teary-eyed). Be well until…
Congrats on your nuptials. Hope your law career also going well
I can definitely relate…its like my life story…the only thing is I am not hitched yet! It is important when these issues surface though because that is the only way one can acknowledge and work through them. Its amazing how many psychologically and emotionally crippled people we have in the world… that’s how the cycle continues. I’m glad you got to dance with your dad i hope i will be blessed to do the same…in all your journeys just put God first and in the centre at all times and true happiness will follow. Thanks for sharing!
really can related to this Lecia.
Dear Lecia – As a mom who has raised a beautiful daughter (and 2 sons) without her father being present for most of her life, your experience gives me hope that my darling daughter will find a husband to love and care for her as Bucka does – and that she will be able to open to and accept his love. Tears ….. love and blessings to you for sharing these thoughts
Being the life coach and motivator that you are, she may find this task a lot less challenging than I have! Hugs!
I too grew up without a father. I can relate to some of the things you mentioned in your article being fiercely independent and selfish. Neva really thought that had anything to do with not having a relationship with my Dad. To me it never even matter that I grew up without one. But after reading your blog I must say it does explains a lot with regards to my behaviour now as an adult.
Leece i can and so many others can relate to this…i’m an only child and my dad doesn’t even acknowledge me..I remember vividly growing up my mom used to send me to visit it which was the worst part of summer holidays. Even going to high school this affected me as most of my friends were frim to parent homes. It all ended when I was told that he was never obligated to me. Now he would call my phone and would not know what to say to me. Now i’m older I am not interested in having a relationship and all the things you’ve said about not being totally independent, not having expectations of a guy or knowing what to do with them of they stick around I can relate to all too well. So many things here I can relate to that it seems you were reading my thoughts. This is really a lovely piece
I am glad for you. So much love…
*Tears* it’s really touching…..
b
Thank you so much for you story. My eyes was saturated with tears because i have my own story that i am still not confortable sharing but you inspired me to do so. Thank you so much. May God continue to bless you and your family.
OMG! This is so emotional!! Lecia i had simular situation, I applaud you for taking the time out to share this story. BRILLIANT! You may not have grew up with your daddy but u sure didnt missed out on much. God has sent you that special someone to fill that gap. So proud of you girl!!Thanks for sharing
Brave heart ( not di movie)….. Lecia it takes allot of courage to admit to your shadows and even more to be able to express them in this forum. I can definitely relate to the issues presented. But the great thing about this is that you will be strengthen by the fact that you are not alone. And another thing mi luv bawl suh tek it eazy wid dem things yah lol. On a seriuos note though i am looking forward to the book, a combination with hubby would be interesting, and i will be honored to create the illustration for the cover….
Brave heart (not di movie lol)…… Lecia it takes great courage to think about these repress issues and even more so to present them through this medium. I can definitely relate but I will not go through details at this time about my own issues of questioning my existence within my family. I must say that the tears were flowing because i am happy you were able to express yourself as this is a part of the therapy to self discovery. It is very good that you have a support system (Bucka) I am looking forward to a book as it will be an honour to create the illustration for the cover (*wink wink)
another thing- it doesn’t stop here with the blogging I am already looking forward to the next.
and I am proud of you this is a big step…….
Lecia the issues you expressed are definitely ones i can relate to, it takes great courage to admit them to yourself and even more so to express them in this forum. We all have shadows and they always make themselves known in adulthood. Continue writing about it because it is a form of therapy that will allow you to overcome and accept all that you have and continue to endure. Looking forward to a book in the future……a combination with your hubby would be interesting, and it will be an honor to create the illustration for the cover.
Thanks for all the comments guys. I read all of them and some of you had me tearing up even more. It’s very comforting to know that there are other people who experience the same feelings like you do! I don’t know everyone personally but I feel like we are a support group! To Lloyd thanks for your honesty; I’ve often wonder if I were a man just how much more difficult this experience would have been for me. I think the key to healing is talking…well, in my case writing about it. Thanks again for your heartfelt comments everyone.
Leesha, i dont normally read these things but i must say wonderful work. It had me reading from start to finish, my dad listened to me, share in some moments and said I love you, but whenever your parents separated it does not feel the same because you think that your dad doesnt care anymore because he has other children and other female companion. However, i got the opportunity to dance to that song at my weddin ” dance withmy father” and yes it is a bitter sweet moment. My mum is my everything she had to care for me and my brother alone and as you said, How do they do it. It is because of this hardship, why i succeed in whatever i do. I am very independent too and dont like to depend on anyone and my husband dont mine me depending on me but i just feel i should do me. But with a husband that is understanding and loving we will come to appreciate their kindness each and every day. Bucka and you are so wonderful together, all you shud do is remind yourself everyday that you deserve whatever you have because you have not done anyrthing wrong. Keep writing. Sushana
Wow…..! Your blog says it all! I don’t really have to say much. It made me see that I was not the only one who have been through this……and my feelings aren’t strange and invalid, but they are real. Just hope there are other men out there who is as understanding as your husband. Thank you Lecia!!!!!!!!!
Lecia I love reading your blogs and I think that you embody the strength of a vivacious and well-grounded young Jamaican woman (for that I’m proud). It’s funny how we have come to learn so much about each other “flaws and all” after being in an estrogen dominated world where misconception was the name of the game. As I reflect on the time that I spent at St. Hildas I realize that so much of our thinking was distorted due to the nature of the society that raised us. I am so happy that like our heroes of the the past who wrestled against the status quo, we are now able to step out from behind the shadows of wrong precepts that was taught to us by life and rebel against it’s very nature to hold us down into a mundane world without metamorphosis. I am glad that you are blossoming into the person a daddy’s love should have bolstered you to become with all “kuddos” to your Mom & Garfield.
I’m sorry but sadly can’t relate to the love of a mother as you have described because my mother represented intimidation but a sense of security. Instead of learning from the past, my mom used it to define her way of parenting which was through the whip. If it’s one thing I do respect about her was how she commanded respect. That made me feel a sense of security around her even though I was scared of her. My mom and I bear striking resemblance and very similar personality but much love has been lost due to my rebellious ways against hypocrisy even against my enemies. Long story short I grew up in a strict Seventh- Day Adventist christian family who would crucify you if you dared to sin (pickney just misbehaving! uuuggh). I felt like I was always going to hell so why try to be “good”. This was only up to the point that I learned about the a:w:e:s:o:m:e love and forgiveness policy of Jesus Christ. Moving right along….
My dad’s legacy on the other hand cannot be matched because throughout my mother’s harsh hand of discipline, my dad took us to Europe through books, the great cathedrals, Mona Lisa, Alexander the Great. Note: Ms “History” Brown and I only became friends when she realized my love for the subject matter. Hence I excelled in these areas in school Literature, Language, Spanish, Geography. My love for travel & culture developed here but NEVER affected my identity as patriotic Jamaican wherever I lived in the world. Standard English was the norm used in the Effs household (even mummy) so you could just imagine the shock when we went for summer holidays in Sandy Bay, Hanover and wih cousin dem laff @wih fih speak propa englishh?!! We also learned about the different fishes and animals namely the great white, humming bird & the wood pecker. Microbiology was taught to us in the form of lectures in hand washing, “Streptococcus gonna get you”. Daddy taught us our history by giving Mrs Bishop (my sister’s grade 5 teacher @ “Ochi Primary”) a lecture about what our heroes fought for when she called my sister “blackie” (in a derogatory way). We thought daddy was going to cuss out de oman lol. Can you imagine the shock on her face when daddy didn’t get vulgar with her?! Every Sunday before going to the beach we had to read an article from the gleaner (there goes our spelling words). I developed a love for linguistics through my dad again who is multilingual; hence my greatest love for Spanish culture (fish taco : D). If I’m suppose to dissect every aspect of me, it would be all due to my dad. I had planned a father/daughter trip to France, Italy and Spain as a present for my dad’s 72nd birthday; unfortunately he has cancer and was unable to travel and is battling for dear life. Whether it’s your MOM/DAD, Aunt/Uncle, Gandma/Grandpa please hold on to the love, struggles and lessons learned of these individuals who have left an indelible mark on our lives to shape us into the people we are to propel us to our own greatest destiny. For some it’s going to be Prime minster, Doctor, Lawyer, Teacher, Nurse, Higgla, Revolutionist, Mother, Father, Friend or ” Blogga” (teeheee) but let every moment count with the lives you’ve touched.
Keep’em coming Mrs Taylor! : D
It is strange that its geared towards the Ladies, but l am a man and lived without a Father, l knew of him, but did not know him, l would call him mr. hit and miss, l cry too, because the Mom taught me that because you’re a man do not means you’re not suppose to cry..its do not show sign of weakness, but rather a sigh of strength, l could write for days the way he treated me, but as l grew older l realise that l am now a man and had my life to live, i did not loose anything, if anything he lost, because all the love that l gave my Mom could have been shared with him, l never called him Dad or Daddy, l just call him by his first name, how ironic it was l was the last person at his bedside when he was dying, l forgive him for all the bad treatment he handed to me, because if l didn’t l would be sick today. and l constantly sing “It is well with my Soul” My Mom was my life, she now lives in Heaven around God’s Golden Throne…l know she has gone to prepare a place for myself and my Brother, so l know l will see her one day
She mold me and made me the Man l am today, so l call her my “Angel” often times when l’m lonesome i look at her Video and see her Dancing on her 70th Birthday and l carry her in my Heart. l’m writing a book about her so Ladies some men do live without a Dad and l am one.
WOW……….tearing up and trying to pretend ‘peppa inna mi eye’ and its not the post causing it. Mrs. Taylor(as I love to address you as) 🙂 I agree that not having a father around or being ” daddy’s little girl” indirectly affects how a woman relates to her man. I struggle wid dat problem……..still is. What keeps me up and going is knowing that there are persons out there whose fathers have molested them, so mi seh at the end of the day it could have been worse (thats my brighter side) So I continue to give thanks and accept my situation for what it is……………….it has definitely made me STRONGER.
This brings tears to my eyes , u should write a book .
I don’t usually comment on blogs but I feel compelled to do so. My boyfriend (hopefully my husband to be) sent me this blog and I found myself in tears. This is my life story and just like you, I wondered if I could ever be the woman that learns how to lean on a great man because of how independent growing up without a father made me. I am still not there yet but this tells me there is hope. I have a 7 year old daughter and I would love nothing more than to break the cycle of growing up without fathers. My mother never grew up with hers, neither did my grandmother. I had never seen a man I could possibly respect and/or lean on until I met the wonderful man that is currently in my life. Again just like you said, when you find a man and he does stick around it takes a while to figure out exactly what to do with him and how to treat him the way he should be treated. There is always that ‘independent woman’ rearing her head when problems arise saying ‘go ahead, you can leave I can do it on my own’.
I am happy to have read this because it reiterates what I don’t want my daughter to ever feel and what I do want her to feel, that fatherly love that no one else can give.
Thanks
Got a bit teary myself…………I hear you girl, I so totally hear you………
Having baggage is one thing, being able to admit that you have it is not easy.The fact that you can admit it puts you light years ahead. I am sure Garfield knows that when you have as priceless a gem as a good woman you will see her flaws as “beautiful imperfections.”, You have no control over your past… but you damn sure have control over how the future turns out.
Wow……where do I begin and you know I love to chat!!!!! I will take it line by line. I really hope there isn’t a word count on this.
Let me begin by saying how refreshing this blog is and how amazing it is to see you poor your heart out like this. I feel closer to you now than I ever did in high school.
I hate to be the spoiler who cannot really relate as my father is the most important person in my life. Like Denneille I am the true epitome of a Daddy’s little girl. In primary school I learned how to string up a sound system in the house, how to change the oil on a car, I became a pro at dominoes before common entrance…….the list goes on. I used to hang out with my Dad, my uncles and male cousins. I was a little tomboy. Matter of fact while in the womb my parents thought I was going to be a boy and they were going to name me Christopher. Alas…….Christine was born instead.
My father’s mantra is “hard work and determination is the only way you’re going to make it in life.” (Trust me I still hear it to this day). He pushes my siblings and I because his father was a poor example of what a father should be. Being one of thirteen in a small three bedroom house in Cambridge, Jamaica, my father and his siblings had to fend for themselves a great deal. My father did not want that for us and he ensured that he was there for his family through thick and thin.
I could never comprehend how a father could turn his back on his family as my Dad was always there. He has made so many sacrifices for me over the years that I cry just thinking about some of the things he has done for me. Most of my uncles were married to my aunts (and they still are) and raised my cousins well. My mother’s parents were together for what seemed like 100 years until my grandfather passed. So not having a father (or mother) around was new to me as I lived vicariously through friends. Jovel was the first person I spoke with and truly understood what it was like to have a father and not a Dad. Although she shares more now than she did in high school I could never grasp what it would be like without my Daddy.
Mr. Lee is the love of my life. I love my Daddy soooooooo much. If I won a million dollars today I would give it all to him just because he deserves it. He always gives his last and goes without. Selfless and determined to get ahead, he instilled in us likewise. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother like cook food but when I pick up the phone to call my family my father is the first person I call. We can sit on the phone for hours bugging out. I talk to him about my relationships, work, school, just about anything!!!! My Mom envies the relationship we have as she claims she’s the last to know everything!!!!
When I got to high school our relationship suffered…………I became an adolescent!!! Boys came into the picture and I felt I was an adult! My mother moved to the states to get everything ready for the rest of the family to come up so it was in a sense freedom for me. I did all manner of things which I will not mention here but I gave him a hard time back then. College was a little bit easier and we somewhat restored our relationship but a couple wrong turns and I became a disappointment to him all over again. We didn’t speak for quite some time and there was a sort of emptiness in my life. The act of disappointing him ate me up inside and I vowed to make him proud of me again. And I did just that!
My Dad is the reason I want to marry a man without children as I want to bear his (Orette’s wink wink) first seed. I want us to raise our children as a family where the boys can go outside and make cricket bats from the coconut trees and the girls can get jackie rides on Daddy’s back. My Dad is the reason that all my previous relationships failed because none of those goons matched up to the man my father is. I am grateful to have that man in my life!!!
I praise the women who have raised the children (especially their sons) all by themselves. The women who had to show the young boy how to peel back the willie (I know its graphic but we talked about that at work today), explain what a wet dream is or discuss the intense feeling in the pants when a girl he likes walks by!!!!
I love what my father has done for me and I thank God for him everyday. A father figure does help to shape character and as Leece explained a woman learns to “mind” a man by first watching her mother do as such and then growing to “mind” her father. A Daddy’s love is like no other; it is smothering and overbearing yet protective and embracing.
I think I will wrap it up now because if I keep going a best seller will be at stake. Now the guilt is sinking in. I am sorry to be the “other” but I could not come here without talking about my Daddy’s love!!!!
Leece, Bucka is going to make an EXCELLENT father and an even better Dad. You will live the father’s love that you missed out on vicariously through your daughter………or daughters!!!!!!!!! 🙂
~Thanks for reading~
I have never met you in person, however, I felt I was the one writing this. I am an only child also who was raised with a single mom. Extremely independent to the point that at age 38, I am still single. Glad you mentioned you had to learn how to rely on your hubby, I think that was and still is my issue. Not knowing how to let go and not being so nonchalant. I cried when I read your blog. I can relate to everything you went through as an only child. We cherish our moms, our confidante and best friends. Now God has blessed you with another confidante and friend (your hubby). I pray blessings on both your lives always as you continue to embrace and cherish each other. God bless you Lecia and Garfield.
I’ve been reading your blog simply because I know Bucka and am also a snoop who loves people watching whether through blogs, TV or real life and I never thought I’d be more than a casual reader, after all you are writing about relationship stuff…but this post got me. Though I had a father that loved me unconditionally, I was primarily raised by my mother. I’ve come to see how not having any examples of positive man and woman relationships in the home or even in your extended family can have a huge impact on your relationships with men, and your self-confidence. I too am selfish, independent, strong headed and nonchalant about relationships and those qualities have always been the primary reason for past relationships ending. The thing is I don’t know how to be anything else.
So much of what you wrote mirrors my life.
I can relate to everything you write….especially the part about loosing your independence (so scary). I am also not close to my Dad even though we grew up in the same house…our relationship is so distant that I only feel comfortable calling him by his first name. The closest we will get to a hug or a gentle touch will be when he walks me up the aisle on August 19.
This made me cry…I’ve lived it and so are my daughters..
Lecia u bugger u goin to that very tender touchy place where I often dont wanna go..but thank you for being human…I am all too familiar with ur story becuz its alot like mine, except the hubby part…( nt yet alteast) **wink**!
But I am happy that u have the support of a man like your husband…and now u get to change the rules…as you will be the one tearing up when ur daughter get to have that special relationship with ur Hubby…the Lord knws what he’s doin n that why he gave u Bukka…Big up to you hun and keep on writing….*Hugs*
Ahhhh, this is beautiful. Its funny, i find it hard to believe that you, yes YOU, had/have issues with self confidence. I feel almost selfish, for want of a better word, to be commenting on this post because I had my dad around. My dad wasn’t and still isnt much of a talker. I didnt hear that I was beautiful or anything like that. In fact I spent most of my life thinking that i was ugly, just black and ugly to be frank (wid a big head, I’ve grown into my head now though). In truth I was embarrassed by my dad simply becuz he was a farmer. It wasn’t until I was in 3rd form and had gotten a spanish essay to write about the person I admired the most that I started to appreciate my dad. He has sacrificed so much for my siblings and me and as old as I am my dad ends every convo we have with “I love you”. I’ve always said that I need to tell him just how much I love him and reading this has made appreciate him even more. I know I’d holler if I danced to that song with my dad bcuz i get so emotional when I think about him. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have their dad around but they have wonderful moms who do a great job so kudos to your mom, she did a great job. There’s no doubt that Bucka will be an amazing dad!
Thanks Leec…I’m gonna pen my letter to my dad right now
Please pen him that letter! Your dad is a blessing and I celebrate those of you who experienced that relationship
Wonderful article hun! This is why I love blogs it allows you to express your every thought to an always eager audience! Its surprising to hear you confess to self doubts because you’ve always been one of the most confident person I know. As daunting as it may seem everything went exactly how it should have! It has made you who you are today. A strong fearless woman who knows how to carve her way!
Leece, I was tearing up when I was reading this because I could relate to it. Not because I didn’t have a father around me, but because I did and I still didn’t have a proper relationship with him. I’m a product of an abusive home (physical, verbal, emotnional/mental), and had been abused from in the womb. The man who was suppose to be the first man in my life, didn’t show me how my man was suppose to treat me. He didn’t tell me I was beautiful. In fact, the only thing I remember him saying to me was, “You know you don’t look too bad.” I grew up with major self-esteem issues (especially in high school) and still have them. And the baggage finds its way into my marriage. I still doubt myself. And so does all his children. I know a lot of people see me as well adjusted, and to some extent I am, but I still have a lot of emotional baggage. And speaking to my siblings and seeing how they react to certain issues, they are still going through it too. That’s why nobody knew I could sing until the last year of high school.
He use to work on the ship, and those would be the happiest times of our lives. When he use to come home on his down time, everything was tense, and I would become physically ill. What made it worst was when he decided to stop working on the ship and stay home for good. I was in first form. My mother flew up to the U.S. (for work, but ended not not going back). My big brother moved out. My father threw my little brother on her while she was up here. I was alone with him for 4 years. My life was a nightmare. THAT’S when I actually wished I didn’t have a father.
I too don’t know how my mother did it. She was being abused for the 20 years she was with him and she had 4 kids to take care of (which included my sister from another relationship) and she had to be surviving as well. And she NEVER bad mouthed my father.
I use to envy the “daddy’s little girls” in high school and wonder what my life would be like having a really good relationship with mine. All I could do was wish.
I look back and wonder what was the reason for all of that, but whatever it is, we’re here now and have to try to make the best of it. Although, when I watch shows like, ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ and see fathers there with their daughters, crying their eyes out at the mere sight of their daughter coming out in a wedding dress, I still wonder what it would have been like if I had a relationship like that with mine.
Love you boo.
Jovie, you made me cry! I didn’t include this in my post but my family is filled with women and unfortately the only two uncles that were married to my aunts were abusive and so that was no great example either. I remember wanting to kill my uncle after helplessly watching him hitting my aunt. It was not until my teeange years that one of my aunts got married to the most amazing man that we all called “daddy!” he was fabulous. Unfortunately, he was older than her so he passed away. I always vowed that my daughter would always have a father who loved her and more immportantly was not afraid to show her that he did. I think these blogs are theraphy for me!