Chronicles of an abandoned wife

Unless you have been living under a rock (or maybe you just don’t read my blog posts), you’ll know that I was abandoned for an entire week. As usual, hubby took off for his unabashed hedonistic week of party, music, fun... and sexy women! It’s carnival... of course, there are sexy women!

This year, more than any other year I expected it to be crazy! Why? Because, my hubby had somehow managed to inveigle the “world’s fastest man” to make the trip to Trinidad, and if you think Elephant Man is the “energy god” then you have not met or partied with Bolt! So in the words of Miley Cyrus it was “turnt up!”

The crew of six which also included local superstar Christopher Martin, other star athletes and members of the best track club in Jamaica (yes, I said it) vowed to hit the road running (got it?) once they landed in Trinidad. And so they did. They were in nirvana, enjoying VVVIP (is that even possible?) access to everywhere and everything.

Usain took to social media to announce the arrival of his crew, and needless to say this created social media pandemonium. The local and international media were abuzz with photos and videos of their exploits.

***

Meanwhile...

Back at home, I was at work, flipping through exciting client files and solving complicated legal issues. (You do detect my sarcasm, right?) But wait, don’t feel sorry for me just yet, because the best part about being left behind for an entire week was...

Wait for it...

...that I got hubby’s brand new, fully loaded 2014 Audi A6 all to myself. To you this may not be a big deal, but to a self-proclaimed “Charlene with pretty car eyes” I was in heaven. Heaven, I say!

And, if I was about to have the ultimate ride (apologies to my bimmer), then I needed the right image. And so mission Take Over Hot Wheels began.

Phase one: new hairstyle!

Phase two: rocking outfits!

Mission accomplished!

As I prepared to unleash the new look, hubby was on a roll, posting photos, showing off on instagram, twitter and FB what a grand time they were having and just how much I was missing out. I think he was really trying to rub it in because this was the second year in a row that I had backed out of a trip to Trinidad Carnival. The self-professed #teamnosleep was clearly having a blast!

I am not sure why, but #teamnosleep felt compelled to share just how much fun they were having. And boy, did they know how to choose the most ill opportune times! 

Phone rings at 3:00 a.m. 

“Babes you a sleep?”

No I’m up, thinking about you and how wonderful it would be if you called me at 3:00 in the morning (in case you miss it, this is sarcasm)

“Yow, the party shot, it shot it shot it shot! It turnt up!”

Can you turn it off so that I can go back go back to sleep?

“OK, so I take it you guys had fun?”

“What!!! Too much fun!!! Yow, it turnt up!”

Clearly, so turnt up, you couldn’t wait until daylight to share.

“Yeah, I realise.”

“Yow we step out clean, everything super clean”

*Confused*

“And by ‘clean’ you mean?”

Apparently, 'clean' means your outfit is well put together. In other words, if you are a man, you are looking GQ, or in Jamaican parlance, “yu outfit sort out”.

“OK, so you going to bed now?” This is me hinting that I’d like to go back to sleep.

“Bed?! Sleep?! Gonna get ready for another party at 4:00 a.m.”

Sweet baby Jesus! I’m not even there, but clearly I’m too old for that sh*t

“Bye baby, love you!”

Dear God, please don’t let him call back until daylight!!!

***

In his absence, I also got calls or messages off a different variation, from the people who, how do I say this... were concerned about me and followed hubby and his crew in the media.

Concerned Caller (CC): “Lecia, Bolt just post a pic and a girl bend over on your husband."

Me: “Yeees, well, it's carnival, I suspect that’s what they do?”

CC: [A bit unsure of how to proceed] “Oh... so, you cool with that?”

Me: “Yeeeees, she’s actually cute (as I glance at the pic) and her body is banging. I daresay he has good taste!”

CC: Hmph! “All right then.”

 Me: "Have a good day now."

Admittedly, sometimes the calls would actually come from me...

 “So honey, I see that you post a pic with about four different costumes, how exactly do you plan to jump in four different bands?” That’s me wondering what heights of idleness inspired them to get four costumes each for four bands.

“No worry bout that man, it ago turnt up?”

Arggh... that bloody word again!

But, let’s not lose sight of the fact that this post is about me and my adventures with the hot wheels!

Of course, it would be no fun if I had such a sweet ride and the most exciting thing I did was go to work. So, I did manage to go to a few birthday parties, hang out with friends and take the longest route home every day. The best thing about not having a husband at home is you never have to cook, and you can eat whatever the hell you want. This translates to my girlfriend and I hitting up a sports bar for dinner and drinks. Heck, I even raced a few fellas at stop lights (note to self: this car is really fast), and I blasted my music like a real baller! If I were a man, I’d definitely score in this chick magnet.

Apparently, I was having way too much fun (and showing off a bit too much) because amidst all the partying, hubby found time to take to social media (read: instagram, twitter and Facebook) to warn me to stay away from his car.  Psssh, like I would listen! (Insert palm).  If he was gone to enjoy gyrating on half-naked women, then I sure as hell would enjoy the car! Fair trade, don’t you think?

So, his warning fell on deaf ears, and I even made it clear that if he kept up his idle threats, he would be met at the airport by a taxi! Yep, a taxi and not his fine ass ride would take him home. My warning worked and he softened up, especially as it drew closer to him coming home. He publicly professed his love and followed up with multiple phone calls of how much he couldn’t wait to see me at the airport.

But I had already hatched a plan, and the awesome JUTA operators were game once I told them how they'd help to make it happen. A bright neon orange sign, with his name in all caps, would greet him at the airport exit, held high by a JUTA driver. I hid behind a tree and chatted with the other JUTA operators as we waited for the passengers to disembark and exit. Half an hour later hubby emerged. First, he paused to read the sign, and then he quickly scanned the area looking for me, all the time wondering, does that sign really spell my name?

The look on his face was priceless!

He quickly recovered though and had the nerve to ignore the sign and the driver, but thankfully, the rest of #teamnosleep could not miss the boldly written “BUCKA” and wasted no time in drawing his attention to the driver! By now, all my JUTA co-conspirators and #teamnosleep were laughing as I emerged from behind the tree struggling to control myself. My not so amused hubby refused to pose with my taxi driver for a photo-op. In fact, he didn’t even bother to greet me with our customary kiss and it was quite a task capturing  even a single photo of him after the fact.

One word: revenge!

OK, three words: welcome home honey!

If you have ever been abandoned, what do you do with your alone time?