Of exes and the past… leave the baggage behind

It is only natural that as you make plans to embark on a new journey with the man who you have selected as your life partner that your mind will stroll down memory lane.

Yes, you are sure this is the man who you want to marry, but “What if...”

While it is OK to 'wander', do not go playing with fire! Old flames may still spark, and you may open up a whole new can of worms -- a discovery that may cause your wedding plans to stop dead its track. Be warned: nothing good can come of this type of exploration of the past.

But what happens when you think that it’s perfectly OK to invite an ex to the wedding? You are great friends, he has moved on with his life, perhaps he has even gotten married; it’s just not a big deal.  Or, you may think there is nothing wrong with meeting up an old ex for lunch to let him know that you are getting married.

In my case, I have great exes 🙂 I’m not bragging, but I have no bitter past relationships, so clearly it was my desire to share with them that I am getting married (as if the world didn’t already see this on Facebook). Of course, my groom-to-be did not share my enthusiasm!

But the more I thought about it was the more I realised that maybe subconsciously the reason that we as women think it’s so important to see and tell our exes that we are getting married is twofold. The first is purely selfish: we want to throw it in their faces: "See, I’m getting married, and it’s not to you. Yes, I’m the one that got away. Have a nice life now!” Notwithstanding the fact that  he probably does have a great life, and is perhaps extremely happy that your relationship is no more.

The second is more personal: in spite of ourselves, we want to make it clear in our minds that this is what we want. It’s really a last-ditch attempt to ensure that all the people we've left behind really belong to the past. We want to ensure that have made no mistakes.  We hope that in that last meeting we will have an answer to all those "what ifs".

Men may not have such a desperate need for closure, but even in their world, getting married is a pretty monumental step. So, don’t be surprised if you discover that he has been talking to one or more of his exes. If he was a pretty “popular” guy, believe me, he will be doing mental gymnastics running through his database of past relationships, just to be settled in his mind that this is what he wants.

I almost had a nervous breakdown (yes, you’ll soon learn that I have a lot of those) when I discovered the nature of conversations between my hubby and one of his exes (who shall remain nameless). I thought for sure that he did not want to be married.  But, after my hysteria and a dose of Valium (I kid -- about the Valium part at least) I realised that nothing could be further from the truth. He did want to get married, and he was sure of it!

Point is, a marriage, like death (morbid but true) causes great reflection and introspection.  Take a deep breath if your man has sudden renewed “interest” in his exes. Don’t be afraid to talk about it openly. I got great insight into what my hubby’s thoughts were when I finally calmed down and listened.

Most importantly, don’t jump to conclusions.

At the end of the day, you both need to remember that the wedding is about your new lives together. If you really want that life to work then you must let go off the past -- so if meeting with the ex is going to cause pain, let it go! So too, if having an ex at the wedding is going to cause some discomfort. It doesn’t mean that you should stop being friends with your ex (although there is great debate about that); it just means that for that one day it’s only about you – the bride and the groom. So, leave the excess baggage behind.


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10 Responses

  1. She-Rice

    All I’m sitting here reading and saying is…..woooowwww….I’m so taken aback at your openness. It has made me look within myself and realise that not only befriending my ex is sort of a bad idea, but it also causes great discomfort on a reals on my boyfriend…and I’m always saying he’s being petty and ridiculous and that he doesn’t trusts me….well all in all, its just that some old flame really does catch easily and I might be sending the wrong impressions even when its totally harmless. But simply…wooow!

  2. JEM

    HA ha i love this site finally some where to meet people like me my hubby ex and her family think they still own him she is married but she call my hubby if r head hurt her i had to tell him i dont appreciate that when she heard of us getting married i heard she crashed. Her daughter which is his daughter call him DADDY I THINK MUMMY NEED YOU SHE CALL YOUR NAME EVERY CONVERSATION EVEN IF WE NOT TALKING BOUT YOU. then his ex mom call him for every thing she want done out here i had to put my foot down what is wrong with these exes they did’nt know he was this good when it was their time. He notices when ever he talk to her bout the kids it go in a different direction so he just talk to the kids but she vex he dont call and say happy birthday .

  3. I like the way your opened, I told my friends that going into a relationship all they need to do is to be themselves and be honest, and I truly think their marriages will work. It has being working for me for over 11 years. (Congrats!!)

    • Great Andrea! I may have to contact you for a few tips *wink*

  4. keesh

    very interesting

  5. 1czar

    I love the way you think…………i like your perspective……Keep writing 🙂 Honestly, I believe most women are not honest and would never think of it that way….hence why i love the book “ACT LIKE A LADY THINK LIKE A MAN” 🙂

  6. Luv this 1.. Well said n I toltally agree..:)

  7. Quite interesting Lec, didn’t look at it that way entirely but couldn’t agree more 🙂



  9. Charlene

    You write very well. Makes interesting reading